# I AM NOT YOUR “BBW”: Debunking Fat Stereotypes, Misconceptions, & Fetishization

Society struggles to find the right way to address plus size women, as if we need a special type of acknowledgement beyond a standard compliment. Some prefer “thick,” “voluptuous,” “fluffy,” ” chubby,” or “full figured,” words with a softer approach of description. Others prefer the more cut and dried adjectives, like “big” or “fat.” People have also found a home in terms like “big fine.” and the even more notorious “BBW,” which stands for big beautiful woman or women. The direct translation of the acronym is in fact a compliment, and the term was originally the name of a plus size magazine from the 70’s & 80’s. But, the more popularized meaning is far from empowering and complimentary, in my eyes, and a standard search in google images will tell you what “BBW” really connotes. It does not make me feel appreciated for my existence. Instead, I feel sexualized and stripped down to my sexual and practical use.

The first reason I don’t like the term BBW is because it is a fetishizing porn category, which has subdivisions including feederism Women are only praised for their fat bodies & assumed overeating habits from a purely sexual aspect. Furthermore, in my experience, the men who proudly express their love for “BBWs” usually come with a plethora of criteria that proves that they truly aren’t down for the cause at all. The “BBW” lovers only support them from a physical point of view. They express that fat women are the best sexual partners because of the well known theories like “superb head game due to being hungry all the time” and “having great p***y because their thighs rub together and keep it warm.”

People often wonder what’s wrong with having a fetish, as it can be a form of adoration and devotion. But, I nullify that school of thought with the dictionary definition of a fetish: “a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.” A fetish disregards a person’s humanity, reducing a person to a tool of arousal, and that is the antithesis of my platform. Although the sex industry is known to objectify women overall, the term BBW pushes it even further by implying that it is strange or taboo to be sexually attracted to them. So, the same men who claim to have love for plus size women spend their lives having sex and falling in love with fat girls behind closed doors, but only openly date more conventionally beautiful women. They live in a “fat girl closet,” so to speak, and that triggers a lot. For me, “BBW” just represents all the negative dehumanizing stereotypes, one of which being that fat women are known to put out quickly and overcompensate because they’re not in high demand, so they’re desperate to please in order to keep men around.

I’m very cautious of when men approach me in real life, or on dating sites, because I try to figure out their angle. For example, I was chatting with a guy on an app, whose short description read, “I need a BBW in my life.” (Immediate eyeroll) But I wanted to prod a bit to see what I could get out of him. I followed up by asking what made him love big girls so much. He responded, “you know, big girls know how to make their man feel good & they’re not stuck up.” I immediately did a double take at my phone to make sure I read correctly. Normally, not being associated with being stuck up would be a compliment, but what he really meant was, “You don’t have to do much work to keep a big girl around & she’ll just accept anything.” People put so little emphasis on fat women’s right to autonomy. We are associated with a lack of standards, and many feel we aren’t allowed a choice in who we date and the type of treatment we should receive. Even on social media, when I discuss my aversion to the way we’re treated in the dating world, people reply with, “Fat girls always have a problem with something. Be happy that someone actually wants your big asses.” This is why I’m so adamant about the caliber of men I date. It is not wrong for me to expect the most out of my partner or the people I choose to date. Wanting to be shown off in public, and made to feel like the grand prize in someone’s life is not asking for too much. There are many people who do not see us on a humane level, so they give the bare minimum and think that should enough. It is unfortunate that we are much more likely to be mistreated because of our perceived low-self esteem, but we must continue not to settle, and only expect the best in our love lives.

Secondly, descriptors like “big fine” and “bbw” bring up an important question for me: Why must being big and beautiful be a separate category from a regular beautiful woman? Why must we be singled out? The plus size community had been working very diligently to broaden the look and the definition of beauty. But, these terms seem to set us back by further perpetuating the backhanded compliment: “you’re pretty for a big girl.” I understand I am a fat woman, and I take ownership in it. Living life as a fat girl has made me hyper-vigilant about my body. People see my body before they see me, and the last thing I want to happen is for that to carry on into my love life & career. I often get messages for advice on “how to hit on big girls.” And, the truth is, we just wanted to be treated the way mostly every other woman is, normally and respectfully *f**kboys aside). So, when a guy approaches me with, “You’re such a BBW cutie,” I can’t help but cringe. I’m so much more capable than just being the “pretty fat girl.” I don’t want my size to speak for me. I want my personality, my works, my talents, my ability to love wholeheartedly, I want those qualities to represent me. I’m a beautiful woman on my own. My size doesn’t negate my beauty. Uniqueness is wonderful, and you should cherish the things that set you apart from everyone else. However, I don’t want to feel like I’m a part of some secondary population with its own rules of beauty.

I do my best not to discuss my sexual side because society already assumes we all overcompensate, and honestly, a lot of plus size women do. But that’s one of the reason behind my passion for fat activism. I want to show women that you shouldn’t be degraded or treated poorly because of how you look. We are gifts to anyone and everyone who crosses our paths, and anyone who is ashamed to experience these gifts simply can’t handle it. I am NO ONE’S fetish or secret obsession. If a person is willing to lay down with me and receive an intimate part of me in the dark, they have to be just as open to love me in the light. To accept me includes loving EVERY ASPECT of me. My fat body is just a part of my beauty. It is an all inclusive package. Do not pick me apart.


One thought on “# I AM NOT YOUR “BBW”: Debunking Fat Stereotypes, Misconceptions, & Fetishization

  1. I love this. 🖤It’s very well written and speaks volumes in how women our size are looked @ in society. I’m really proud of how active you are to write a blog to share your life and the experiences you have endured in such a hurtful society. I will continue to read and support you. Great read, it has opened my eyes a bit more.

    Liked by 1 person

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